Reflections on Long-Lasting Relationships
Long marriages often become efficient yet intellectually stagnant. The familiarity can breed a sense of understanding that may lead partners to stop asking essential questions. Many couples settle into a fixed perception of each other within the first decade; by the twenty-year mark, they often navigate their relationships using an outdated map, seldom reassessing the landscape that surrounds them.
I have never found it easy to adopt that stance in my own marriage or friendships. The relationships I choose to engage in require ongoing introspection and commitment. For me, the key to loving someone authentically lies in constant inquiry. I believe in reframing conversations to explore the deeper truths beneath the surface—bringing to light what is often unspoken and following the conversation until we reach a genuine understanding.
The Importance of Asking the Right Questions
Sometimes, even the simplest question can spark a deeper dialogue, such as, “Do you love me?” This inquiry should not stem from doubt but rather a desire to reconnect in a meaningful way, especially after thirty years of partnership. My husband often finds humor in my questioning, dismissing it as a trick, but I see it differently.
My belief is that love should be verbalized, particularly when the stakes are low. While he views love as demonstrated through actions accumulated over the years, I feel that it should also be vocalized. I am not raising this issue for my own reassurance but for the countless women who may feel similarly uncertain and lack a solid foundation in their own relationships. The absence of expressed love can foster doubt and insecurity.
Over the course of three decades, there were new areas of discussion we had yet to explore. On a quiet Good Friday, we took a leisurely walk without any predetermined agenda. This slow-paced conversation evolved into one of the most heartfelt discussions we’ve had in years, touching on themes of beauty, love, societal expectations of strong women, and even the topic of divorce.
Exploring Self-Perception and Relationship Dynamics
The conversation began with a discussion about beauty, where he rated women I admired. His assessment was a surprising six, prompting me to ask the questions every woman secretly wants to know but feels hesitant to ask: “How would you rate me?” His answer of 8.5 elicited laughter from me, but I calmly asserted that I see myself as a solid ten. Understanding my own worth is crucial, and I refuse to accept a lesser valuation from anyone, including my spouse.
This led to an eye-opening exploration of values and perceptions, especially regarding how media and cultural standards shape our views. Although we seemed aligned in theory, I realized that our perspectives often diverged without our awareness. While I assumed we were on the same page, we were, in fact, gazing through very different lenses.
Understanding Values and Emotional Hierarchies
Later, I asked him a more profound question: If faced with the choice between saving our youngest son or me, whom would he choose? His response—a choice for our son—provided insights into his underlying values. This situation was not simply about love but about priorities and responsibilities. He perceived the prioritization of young lives as a fundamental duty, demonstrating a commitment to preserving the future.
His initial response tackled an emotional issue, but as we dissected it further, we identified a philosophical stance on sacrifice. It became clear that the priorities we impose upon family dynamics stem from different operating systems. While my belief underscores that the couple’s bond should come first, he viewed family as a collective unit whose well-being should encompass everyone, stressing the importance of a holistic perspective.
Confronting Implicit Bias and Gender Norms
Our conversations turned toward the unique burdens faced by strong women. Despite the love and support from men in our lives, societal biases remain deeply ingrained, unchecked by awareness. We discussed issues like divorce, where the stigma attached often feels weightier for women compared to the sympathy often extended to widows. The same societal currents that dictate beauty standards also perpetuate a system that punishes women who leave unsatisfactory marriages.
As he engaged with the topics we broached, it was evident that genuine dialogue demands active listening and a willingness to grow. However, remaining engaged isn’t synonymous with clarity. While love can inspire patience and understanding, it does not eliminate each partner’s inherent biases or societal pressures, unveiling a gap that can silently jeopardize even the strongest of marriages.
Continuing the Journey of Discovery
Thirty years ago, I didn’t realize I was marrying a man still on a journey of self-discovery. This ongoing exploration is a gift we cherish, prompting both of us to navigate our relationship with curiosity rather than complacency. In a long-lasting marriage, true survival isn’t indicated by the absence of conflict but rather by a continuous willingness to ask probing questions, even when they lack straightforward answers.
As we continue this journey, I invite you to reflect on your own relationships. Consider which familiar questions you’ve stopped asking and dare to explore them again. Curiosity can reignite connections and deepen your understanding. You may be surprised to discover that there are still many unexplored aspects within your interactions.
Udo Okonjo leads as CEO of Fine & Country West Africa and is the founder of Radiant Collective Capital, focusing on nurturing women’s leadership and wealth-building since 2010.
